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“Ask and it will be
given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the
door will be opened.”
Matthew 7:7-8
According to statistics from
the National Alliance on Mental Illness, as well as many other sources, mental
health disorder affect one out of five people in the United States. This
translates to at least one out of four people having at least one member of
their family with a mental health challenge. For me, an adoptee, I’ve never
known my family history in this respect and this has always been a mystery. And
this is where my story begins.
It was the evening of
Father’s Day last weekend when I received an email with the subject line,
“Genealogy Searching – On Father’s Day.” The message caught me off guard. It
was from a woman who I will call Tess (to preserve her anonymity). Tess stated
that she had obtained information from her brother’s Ancestry DNA account. She
went on to say that he had no desire to pursue any “matches” or learn anything
about his family origins. Finally, she asked if I was interested in pursuing
this potential connection.
As an adoptee, you can
imagine my excitement with receiving this news. In typical fashion, I replied
immediately stating that I would be willing to work with her on the mutual goal
of learning more about how I fit into the family tree.
(Side note: A year and a
half ago I initiated a search for my birth parents through the New York State
Adoption Registry. Initially I received scant information but shortly
thereafter I received records that contained non-identifying information about
my birth parents (appearance, occupation, activities they enjoyed, etc., At
first I figured that this was far as I would go. But after further
consideration I decided to pursue learning more by joining Ancestry DNA. I did
receive data about my ethnicity as well as potential “biological matches”
however after reaching out to the two most likely candidates I gave up my
search.)
Tess was quick in her
response and explained how I could potentially fit into the family history and
that she had a theory about who may birth mother might be and that she may
still be alive. She explained that this connection was on her biological
father’s side of the family. She also said that this man did not raise her and
that the brother of my birth mother was reluctant to provide any information to
Tess’s mother’s due to the time that has passed or the fact that her mom was “on
the other side.”
Regardless, she and her
mother do have information from Tess’s father’s side of the family that leads
us to believe that I, in fact, am a part of their family. I also communicated
with Tess’s mother (who I will call Dolores) who provided more specific lineage
information.
Tess and Dolores said they’d
be open to speaking the next weekend. This past Saturday evening I received an email
from Dolores asking if I was available to speak then. I jumped at the opportunity
and was astounded that I could be speaking to people with whom I may be
related, and especially Tess, who would be the direct biological connection.
Turns out she would be a second cousin. I shared my gratitude for them reaching
out to me and they both responded with the same kind of attitude of
thankfulness for finding me.
We spoke for well over an
hour. The conversation was wide-spread covering everything from information
about my potential birth mother as well as family stories and the mutual
interests of Tess and myself.
At one point in the
discussion I felt compelled to ask a question about any history of mental
illness in the family. Dolores affirmed that there was a pretty significant history
of mental illness in Tess’s father’s family. She went on to share a few
specific incidences of mental health issues with my possible family of origin.
Of course, this was of great interest to me considering my own history of
bipolar disorder and addiction. This knowledge simply affirmed what I already
knew about the risk factors of mental disorders and family connections.
It was remarkable how much
Tess and I related to each other. I told her and Dolores that I believe that
God is at work in this experience and that this connection is far more than
coincidental and they both agreed. For instance, the information that Tess
shared in one of her first emails stated that my possible birth mother was born
in the same year that would have corresponded to the year of my birth. Also,
the profession that she said that my bio mom was in was the same as what was
stated in the documentation I received from the adoption agency that holds my
records. Finally, when I mentioned that my document stated that my birth mother
enjoyed horseback riding and waterskiing, Dolores laughed, saying that Tess’s
father’s family enjoyed those activities.
This story is still
unfolding and there is more work to be done. Tess and I are going to do some
additional DNA matching work and she and Dolores are going to continue to reach
out to other members of Tess’s father’s family. However, the simple knowledge
that I may now have a biological connection is helping me to truly understand
that things happen in God’s time. For God knows when we are ready. Stay tuned!
Be well!
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