It was 2006 and I was
working at Daemen College, a small private institution located in a suburb of
Buffalo, New York. It was late March. I served as the Associate Director of
Graduate Admissions. I was in my office when my supervisor, Donna Shaffner,
came in and sat in the chair next to me. “Is this your lucky day?” she asked. “What
do you mean?” I replied. She responded, “Do you want to go to China?” I was
floored. Daemen had a relationship with an agency that helped us to recruit
students from China and there were periodic trips taken by staff and
administrators to facilitate the process.
Now first of all I had never
flown oversees. My longest trip was when I was 14 when me and my parents took a
trip to Acapulco. And that was long before I was diagnosed with bipolar
disorder. In many respects, I didn’t have much of a choice. Donna had gone
previously and I don’t think she was keen on the idea of going again. The thing
to note is that at the time no one at the college knew about me having bipolar
disorder. I was fortunately able to do my job without any problems associated with
my bp.
I didn’t have much time to
even think about the whole thing. It was scheduled within a few weeks. I didn’t
have a passport so the school fast-tracked one with a visa to allow me to make
the trip.
I experienced the typical
anxiety anyone would have regarding such a long flight (13 hours from Chicago O’Hare
to Beijing). I had enough sense to tell my psychiatrist who prescribed me
Ambien. But being the total amateur traveler, I left it in my stowaway luggage.
I traveled with Mike Brogan,
who was a Dean at the college. Mike had made several of these trips before. The
flight was long – very long. I did not sleep. And then there was the
turbulence. With a flight this long they are to be expected however I recall
going through some so bad that the one of the flight attendants even commented
on how long they were lasting.
We arrived in Beijing, weary
and worn. BUT, I survived. One of the first things I did was to take an Ambien.
One feature of my bp is that when I am awake too long my brain goes into
overdrive – big time.
The trip lasted 9 days; just long enough to get used to the time change and then have to turn around and come back home. I saw things that were incredible – The Forbidden City, the Terra Cotta Warriors, and the vast sea of humanity that is found in many of China’s burgeoning cities.
The trip lasted 9 days; just long enough to get used to the time change and then have to turn around and come back home. I saw things that were incredible – The Forbidden City, the Terra Cotta Warriors, and the vast sea of humanity that is found in many of China’s burgeoning cities.
I arrived home thankful that
the trip was over. I thought I was out of the woods. And then, the following
fall I was asked to go back. I remember how I felt. I was so terrified of
having to do the trip again because of how much of a toll it took on my mental
health.
There was an issue with
getting my tickets for the flight there. I did everything I could to sabotage
the trip, but to no avail. This time I knew what to expect and I was not happy.
But as before, I didn’t have
much choice. So, I embarked on the second trip. When I went on these trips I
took a portable cd player with a large supply of batteries and a small
collection of some of my favorite albums. I recall listening to one in
particular, Peter Gabriel’s “Up.” There is one song on the record that
especially hit home when I was somewhere 30,000 feet in the air. It’s called “SkyBlue” and a portion of the lyrics are as follows:
“Sky
blue
So tired of all this traveling
So many miles away from home
I keep moving to be stable
Free to wander, free to roam”
So tired of all this traveling
So many miles away from home
I keep moving to be stable
Free to wander, free to roam”
After arriving I met up with a new colleague
from Daemen, Ann Robinson, who is the Executive Director of Global Programs. As
opposed to myself, Ann was a seasoned traveler who had lived in Vietnam for
five years. Ann and I became quick friends. Side note: if you ever want to get
to know someone go on a transcontinental trip with them.
This trip was equally as intriguing as the
first. One of the highlights was our visit to the Great Wall. But it eventually
came time for us to return home and Ann and I had to separate ways.
I was in the city of Nanjing and scheduled to
fly out early to Hong Kong on Dragon Air and transfer to United Airlines to get
back to the U.S. By this time, my flight
anxiety was pretty much gone. Both trips I took included several flights within
the country.
All was good until I arrived in Chicago. I had
already been up for about 16-17 hours. I was all psyched to get on the final
flight when I got some very distressing news. All of the flights had been
cancelled due to tornado watches in the Northeast. I couldn’t believe it. What was
I going to do?
Somehow (by the Grace of God) I met two fellow
Western New Yorkers. One of them, a regional rep for Bally Fitness, was able to
secure all of us rooms at a nearby hotel. When I arrived at the room I realized
that all of my medication was in my stowaway luggage. “Oh my God!” I said to
myself. I freaked. By this time I had been up for over 24 hours. Not good for
someone with bp. I had never had such an experience, even when I was in the
throes of my early struggles with the disorder.
It was late, how late I cannot remember. But I knew
I had to do something. In a show of desperation I opened up the bedside table and
the Gideon Bible was there. I pulled it out and opened it. My eyes went
immediately to Matthew 11:28 which says, “Come to me all who are weary and
burdened and I will give you rest.” And with that, my mind was put at ease. I
immediately relaxed. I turned on CNN and watched Larry King interview Bill
Cosby.
I stayed up the rest of the night and around 5
a.m. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and then headed out to catch the
shuttle back to the airport.
The funny thing is that I was so happy to be on
that plane. Whereas before my experience traveling to China the first time, I had
a fear of flying, it’s now something that I take in stride.
If you’re wondering why I recounted this story,
I wanted to demonstrate that by taking what I call a “healthy risk,” I was able
to grow immeasurably. These experiences have proven to increase my self-esteem,
not to mention my faith in God. When I look back on those days I quickly
realize that when I take these kinds of risks, ones that serve to challenge me and
make me dig deep into the reservoir of my soul, I cannot help but learn more
about myself.
And I believe that for those of us living with
mental health disorders, this is even more true. It’s important to learn one’s
limitations but just as importantly we need to push beyond our comfort zone.
I’ve been able to do this in my professional
career, in my relationships and even in my personal pursuits. It’s about
erasing the fear that holds one back.
.
It all begins with faith. Faith in the God of one’s understanding and faith in oneself. This is an incredibly powerful combination. It is through this belief that one’s life can change for the better. I try to carry this with me in everything I do. In reality, there are no limits to what we are capable of.
.
It all begins with faith. Faith in the God of one’s understanding and faith in oneself. This is an incredibly powerful combination. It is through this belief that one’s life can change for the better. I try to carry this with me in everything I do. In reality, there are no limits to what we are capable of.
Are you willing to take a healthy risk?
Be well!