It has been a
considerable amount of time since I last posted here. Between the other blogs I
write (BP magazine, the United Church of
Christ Mental Health Network’s “The Journey” and The Mighty) and life itself,
this one has gotten away from me.
But enough excuses.
I’m sitting on
my patio, reflecting on the course of events of the last 14 months. It began
with an email from a woman named Greta, who as it turns out, is my second
cousin. She had found my information on AncestrtyDNA. This was on Father’s Day,
June 18, the day before my birthday. And did I happen to mention that I am
adopted?
Well, let me
tell you, it has been quite a journey since then. Thanks to Greta and her
mother Janet, I was able to learn about my birth mother, who was still alive
and living in Alaska. Her name was Sarah and went by the nickname Sally. This
is beyond ironic in that my older daughter is named Sarah and my younger
daughter is named Lillie (after my mother who adopted me). That’s right. Both
of my daughters are named after both my mothers. You can’t make this stuff up
folks. I truly believe that this is how God works. God gives us these kinds of
circumstances to show us that there are just some things we cannot prove
through human means.
Anyway, Greta
also shared information about three half-siblings that Sally had named Sylvia,
Lisa and Joad. I was able to reach out to them and they were all wonderfully
accepting and welcoming. I do realize that it didn’t have to work out this way.
This was all so surreal. I’ve gone well into my 50’s never knowing anything
about my origins and then BAM! it hits like a ton of bricks.
Now, before
Greta contacted me, I had given up looking for any “matches” on Ancestry. I had
reached out, to no avail, to several people who did not reply. But after Greta
contacted me I reloaded the app, and lo and behold, someone popped up as a
close family member, 1st cousin. Her name was Charlotte. I
immediately sent her a message and she got back to me right away. We spoke by
phone and, as it turns out, she was adopted too. She was born in Syracuse,
which was interesting considering that I had learned that my mother had spent
time there as well when she was in college. But Charlotte was able to confirm
that we didn’t have the same mother (which was proven by our Ancestry data).
In October
2017, Charlotte and I met in Rochester, roughly equidistant from where we each
live. It was in a quaint restaurant called Owl House, a wonderful eatery known
for its great vegetarian menu (Charlotte is vegetarian as is her husband who
joined her). I had arrived early and was on edge waiting for Charlotte’s
arrival. When she entered the room, she had a huge smile on her face and we
gave each other an embrace that felt like it lasted forever and that we didn’t
want to let go.
Charlotte, her
husband Jon, and I spent the next two hours chatting and getting acquainted. We
were already “friends” on Facebook but this was the real deal. We talked about
all kinds of things and the connection was immediate. It just felt right.
Charlotte has
her own business (handcandymittens.com) where she repurposes sweaters and other
apparel to make mittens and other and other cool clothing items. She’s quite
talented. She offered me three pair of mittens to me to give to my wife Suzy
and my daughters for Christmas. I offered to pay and she replied, “I don’t
charge family.” I thought that was so sweet.
On the flip
side, I had conversations with Sylvia, Lisa and Joad. They each filled me in,
based on their own unique perspectives on our mother. As it turned out, Sally
lived with a severe mental illness (which was the reason she moved to Alaska
many years ago and likely accounts, at least in part, to my mental health
concerns). Sylvia said that Sally was known as saying, “The lower 48 can’t
handle me.”
In January,
Lisa came to Buffalo for a three-day visit. We went to see Jason Isbell and the
400 Unit at the University at Buffalo Center for the Arts. One thing Lisa and I
have in common is our love of music. We also took a day trip to Niagara Falls
and Toronto. It was so much fun spending time with each other and getting to
know one another. I’ve always said that the best way to get to know someone is
to travel with them.
Time went on
and I continued to communicate with my newfound family members. Shortly after I
had learned about Sally, my cousin Greta had discovered her address and phone
number. Unfortunately, Sally was very hard of hearing and would not keep her
phone on. I did try phoning and even got through to the maintenance man of the
apartment complex where Sally lived.
I remember nervously dialing the number and having him answer.
I remember nervously dialing the number and having him answer.
“Hello, I’m
trying to reach Sarah (______). I’m a distant relative who she may not know and
I was just trying to contact her.”
“You mean Sarah
who lives in Aurora 3?” he replied.
“Yes,” I said,
playing along.
“Ok,” he
responded, “Let me go try to see if she’s in.”
My heart began
to race. I could even hear his breathing as he walked to her apartment.
KNOCK. KNOCK.
KNOCK. “Hello Sarah.” KNOCK.KNOCK. KNOCK. Nothing.
“Sorry,” he
said, “She doesn’t hear well.”
“Well, if you
see her do you think you could ask her to turn her phone on?” I asked.
“Sure,” he
said, “She usually takes a walk to visit her friend everyday so I can have him
ask her.”
“Thanks for
your help,” I responded.
I tried calling
a few more times with no luck. I then decided to write her a brief letter that
included my phone number, address and email. In the letter I simply stated that
I wanted to thank her and that I was fortunate to have wonderful parents and a
family of my own. I also shared about the work I do in the mental health field.
I also included a photo of my family and a card where I wrote:
Wishing you peace and love,
Karl
And that was
the end of that. I sent the letter priority mail with tracking that required a
signature for confirmation that it had received its destination. I didn’t get
any kind of rejection response so I can only assume that it was received. But
she never called or wrote.
Flash forward
to March 27, 2018. I received a text from Sylvia stating that Sally had passed away
from a brain ambulism resulting from a fall she had. According to Sylvia, Sally
refused the treatment that could have saved her life. This was very sad for me
to hear, knowing that now, even though the chances were slim to begin with, I
would never have the opportunity to speak to her.
To be continued......
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